d30 Feature of the Week: 30 reasons members of your party can't go dungeoneering this weekend.

Sorry. Been slammed with work this week and this is the best I can do for today given the limited amount of time I have.

30. My deity is on vacation, so I'm afraid he won't answer my spells.

29. I need to feed my familiar.

28. Well, it's a full moon tonight, and ever since that wererat bit me...

27. I just feel like all we do is kill monsters and steal treasure. We never just talk anymore.

26. I'm going to see the new John Carter movie in 3D.

25. I've had a rough week with the plague and what not. Tonight I just want to curl up with bottle of gnome wine and re-watch Titanic. (Other members of the party proceed to swiftly kill that member, even though she's a hot female elf.)

24. Do you know what's supposed to be down there? A medusa. Do you know what medusae do? They fuck you up. Go ahead. Go without me. And when you're all turned to stone... well, don't come crying to me to wash the pigeon poop off ya.

23. I'm out of graph paper.

22. I'm out of bat guano.

21. My bag of holding is full.

20. My armor of etherealness is at the cleaners.

19. I'm still feeling out of sorts from facing that umber hulk last week.

18. Maybe you haven't noticed this hole in my head, but a mind flayer ate my brain.

17. The torches and light spells aren't just doing it for me anymore. I think I'm getting seasonal affective disorder.

16. Ever since the party leader died, my morale just isn't what it used to be.

15. I've only got 1 hit point left.

14. I committed myself to creating food and water (per 3rd level cleric spell) at the homeless shelter.

13. Do we actually have to go down there? Can't we just do it on Google+ or Skype?

12. I'm not sure how good my spellcasting will be. I've got that damn "Karma Chameleon" song stuck in my head.

11. It's my weekend to take the kids. But I suppose I could polymorph them into something useful and bring them... that is, if you guys don't mind.

10. Someone stole my ring of invisibility. It was you wasn't it? You've wanted to take it from me since my uncle gave it to me!!!

9. I feel like the only reason you take me along anymore is to unlock doors for you. Do you realize how long it's been since I got to attack from behind?

8. I need to go check in on the contractor over at the castle I'm building.

7. My mother wants me to meet the orc she's been dating. God forbid she tell me there's a little half-orc on the way.

6. There's a bachelor party tonight for one of my men-at-arms and we've got a suite at Greyhawk Castle.

5. I've got to polish my sword. And by polish my sword, I mean-

4. Well, if you had successfully removed my fear the other day, maybe I wouldn't be so afraid to go this time.

3. I'm working on a new spell and I'm almost there. I'll just leave it at this... Leomund's giant penis!

2. Yes, I did save vs. poison against that giant toad last week, but unfortunately I didn't save vs. diarrhea.

1. Yeah... I'm kind of over this dungeon delving thing.